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New Zealand's longest-running online daily news and commentary publication, now in its 23rd year. The opinion pieces presented here are not purported to be fact but reasonable effort is made to ensure accuracy.

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Stupidium and the big bang theory

11 August 2017

No, I'm not talking about the TV series or the origin of the universe.

I'm talking about the kind of explosion you get when you have a sufficient mass of stupidium to reach criticality and produce a huge nuclear explosion.

On the one hand we have a huge lump of stupidium called Kim Yong Un.

On the other hand we have an equally large (albeit better coiffured) lump of stupidium called Donald Trump.

Individually, neither lump of this highly reactive material is sufficient in power to create a nuclear explosion -- although long term exposure will cause chronic disability and near-fatal injury.

Get them close enough and espousing enough rhetoric however, and the result can only be a runaway thermonuclear reaction that claims millions of lives.

So how do we avoid such a catastrophe?

We can't make stupidium an illegal substance because everybody has at least a little of this highly radioactive material in their system. Who hasn't winced or face-palmed themselves on realising that the stupidium in their system has resulted in a bad decision or foolish choice on their part?

Attempts to maintain a safe distance between two large lumps of stupidium that are individually verging on the edge of criticality is also not possible. Stupidium is an unusual element insomuch as its very high mass causes an unopposable attraction between any two significant chunks of the stuff and criticality can also be reached by means of virtual proximity -- such as that offered by the mainstream media, Twitter and other communications mechanisms.

Some very rich people from the home of the USA's stockpile of stupidium (such as James Cameron and Peter Thiel) have bought protection by coughing up a few promises and a fist-full of cash to become NZ citizens. They have somewhere to run when things go critical in the Northern Hemisphere and New Zealand, some 10,000Km from N.Korea and the USA, is about as far as you can get from the point of ignition.

Of course there are many who say that critical-mass explosions of stupidium can't and won't happen. They believe that no matter how much of this rare, super-heavy, super-dense element is collected in a single place, self-preservation will prevent the ignition so critical to such an explosion.

Personally, I'm not so sure.

We've seen both of the large lumps of stupidium in question acting as if there was no tomorrow so perhaps they know something we don't.

Why worry about the effects of climate change or trying to prevent them -- when you know that a nuclear war will solve the problem anyway - by sending large tracts of the planet back to the stone age.

Of course I'm just one opinion -- I'd love to hear what the other nuclear physicists within the ranks of Aardvark's readership have to say.

Do you think the two near-critical masses of stupidium I'm referring will reach criticality and nuclear explosions will result?

Or will the predicted outcome be a fizzer -- with the N. Korean's stockpile of stupidium failing to fire and the USA's lump simply produce a large number of non-nuclear explosions delivered by cruise missile and conventional means?

Is this a thermonuclear storm in a teacup perhaps -- driven more by a clickbait media than by an honest intent to test the limits of nuclear reactions?

Note: stupidium does not appear on the periodic table of elements because it didn't pass the entry exam -- too stoopid!.

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